I checked into jail on foursquare
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
