I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
