Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
