part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
