i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
