my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
