I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
