We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just had sex on a roof
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
