the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize