i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
