you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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