You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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