And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
