I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My ATM looks so different sober.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
