pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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