the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
