nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
