please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
