highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
me + whiskey = a bad person
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
