Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
