My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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