Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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