morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
