I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
