I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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