see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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