I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
