I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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