I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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