I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
