If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dignity is for republicans.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
