his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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