something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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