it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
