Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
