Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
