dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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