No stitches, just platelets and will power
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Vodka?
Forever.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
