Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I wish I only lived at night.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
