A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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