why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
