youre lurking in front of me
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
