Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
