I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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