I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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