I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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