I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
