Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
