I can text with my tongue
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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