that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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