he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
