ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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