You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
