You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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