You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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